Well, I think that I’ve reached a point in my life where people don’t really want to be my friend… or maybe it isn’t that they don’t wanna be my friend, but they don’t wanna hang out…. no it’s not that even… it is more of, people don’t think I’m interesting or enjoy my company or input. I’ve realized that I’ve alienated myself. I think. I don’t hang out with my friends enough maybe. When I do, I feel like an outcast… like I don’t know what to say. I feel like people are really only my friends because they feel sorry for me. I don’t have any inside jokes with anyone. Nobody wants to sit down and have a philosophical conversation with me. I’ve become this thing that no one is sure they want to really get to know. I’m just peter… with a lowercase p.

and how petty of me to even think aloud this way, yet here I am. I can’t help it. I need to write it out. Already anticipating the “that’s not true”s and “I’m your friend”s… and that’s not to say that they aren’t right, but when it comes right down to it. Who is going to look back 5 or 10 years from now and say. Man, I miss Petey Boy… or who is still going to be my friend after that long.

It is hard to maintain friendships when there is no more common ground, like school, classes, organizations, and what have you. Think about friends from high school you thought would last forever, and now… do you even know where they are? Do you care? I’ve tried to “keep in touch”… but it is pretty dang difficult.

I look around on facebook and sit in classes (with which I have friends in) and everyone else just chats away and smiles away and pats each other on the back and chainsaws each other’s heads off (okay, I’ve never seen that happen). why not me? hmmm? well, I don’t know why not.

argh.